


This Time

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Don't worry they both get one, F/F, Feels, Honesty, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lapis Lazuli Needs a Hug (Steven Universe), Peridot Has An Anxiety Disorder (Steven Universe), Peridot Needs a Hug, Reunions, lapidot - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24944116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lapis sighs, running a hand through her hair. “We’re...working on it.”“No you’re not,” Steven argues, gesturing to the warp pad. “I was ju-”“Listen, Steven, I just don’t think we’re ready to talk about it yet.”He looks at her strangely. “You keep using ‘we.’ How can you know how Peridot feels when you haven’t talked to her? Because I just talked to her, and I don’t think she feels the same way.”“W-why doesn’t she just talk to me, then?” she says softly, sounding much less frustrated than she intended to, which is the opposite of what usually happens to her. As soon as the words come out of her mouth she feels stupid. A twinge of guilt makes itself known in her stomach. Of course Peridot doesn’t want to talk to her...she’s afraid she’ll make her mad. She probably thinks she’ll be abandoned again.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	This Time

_ “Hey”? Really? That’s the best you could do? _

Lapis stares at a spot on the wall across from her seat on Steven’s couch, a cup of water in her hands that she’s probably holding just a little too tightly. Everything is supposed to be back to normal. In fact, it’s supposed to be more normal than it has been in thousands of years. Everyone else is ecstatic. Everyone else has everything figured out in their lives.

There’s just...something still missing from hers.

“Lapis, have you talked to Peridot yet?”

Lapis is caught off-guard by this question, and she chokes on the water she’d been taking a sip of when Steven had appeared on the warp pad. It takes several minutes for her to compose herself; Steven waits patiently, taking a seat next to her on the couch. “Th-that’s not a very nice way to start a conversation,” she says finally.

“I just asked you a question.”

“Yeah, but...you said it in a disappointing tone.”

“Well, I am a little disappointed.”

“What did I do?” Lapis squeaks, shrinking into the couch a little bit under Steven’s oddly parental gaze.  _ Besides, you know, abandon everyone and take the barn into space and hide for months. _

“It’s not what you did, it’s what you didn’t do.”

Right. Lapis pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on top of them. She and Peridot hadn’t had time for a proper reunion when she had first come back, because they were in the middle of a battle. Neither did they have the time after they’d reformed, because they had to immediately go to Homeworld to help Steven. But they can’t really use that excuse anymore—they’ve been back on Earth for almost two weeks.

Lapis sighs, running a hand through her hair. “We’re...working on it.”

“No you’re not,” Steven argues, gesturing to the warp pad. “I was ju-”

“Listen, Steven, I just don’t think we’re ready to talk about it yet.”

He looks at her strangely. “You keep using ‘we.’ How can you know how Peridot feels when you haven’t talked to her? Because _ I _ just talked to her, and I don’t think she feels the same way.”

“W-why doesn’t she just talk to me, then?” she says softly, sounding much less frustrated than she intended to, which is the opposite of what usually happens to her. As soon as the words come out of her mouth she feels stupid. A twinge of guilt makes itself known in her stomach. Of  _ course _ Peridot doesn’t want to talk to her...she’s afraid she’ll make her mad. She probably thinks she’ll be abandoned again.

Steven doesn’t answer her question, probably sensing that Lapis figured it out on her own. She huffs. “Stop looking at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re disappointed!”

“I told you, I  _ am _ disappointed!”

“But I-” Lapis cuts herself off, sighing and leaning back on the couch. After a few seconds, Steven curls up next to her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“I know it’s hard,” he says. “But I can tell you’re hurting, too. She’s your best friend. I don’t like seeing you guys like this.”

They sit there for at least five minutes before Lapis finally replies. “Is she okay?” she whispers, so quietly Steven barely hears her.

“I…I’m not really sure, honestly,” Steven says vaguely, which is answer enough for Lapis.

She takes a deep, shaky breath and stands up. “Alright. I’ll talk to her.”

“Really?!” Steven cries, his face lighting up. “That’s great! She’s, um...she’s at the farm. Where the barn used to be.”

“W-wait, you want me to talk to her right  _ now _ ?”

“Yeah?”

“Um...okay. Yeah. I can do that.” Lapis turns to walk toward the door.

“Lapis?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s gonna be okay. You’re both gonna be okay.”

“...Thanks.”

  


* * *

  


Lapis stares at the gaping hole in the ground and the tiny green figure sitting in front of it for a...totally not creepy amount of time.

Peridot has her knees pulled up to her chest as tight as possible, making herself appear even smaller than she already is. Pumpkin is sitting next to her, staring up at her and whining, but Peridot doesn’t even tell her to stop making noise.

Lapis tentatively walks up behind them, arms crossed in front of her.

“Um, hi...” her voice falters as she realizes she has no idea what she’s supposed to say here.

Which is somewhat surprising, since it  _ has _ been almost two weeks since they got back to Earth from Homeworld. She’s had a lot of time to think about it. She’s played out a million different ways this conversation could go, a million different things that she wants to say, but now that it’s actually happening, she’s drawing a blank.

Peridot doesn’t acknowledge her, she just keeps staring at the big hole in the ground where the barn used to be.

Lapis sits down next to her.

She forces herself to focus on the wind softly blowing the grass instead of the panicky feeling setting in her chest. She watches a bluebird swoop down from the sky and land on a branch in a tree nearby, chirping happily as it hops along the branch and then flies off again after a few moments.

She doesn’t know how long they sit there. It’s either hours or merely a few minutes, but it’s impossible to tell. Finally, one of them speaks. Lapis wasn’t really expecting it to be Peridot, nor was she expecting what she said.

“Lapis, I’m really sorry.”

Lapis stares at her dumbfounded for a full minute before she speaks again. “ _ You’re  _ sorry? Why are you sorry? I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

“No!” Peridot says. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“What the heck are you talking about?! I’ve done  _ so _ many things wrong!”

“No you haven’t!” Peridot insists, “you’ve never done anything that wasn’t justified. But we’re getting off topic. I’m trying to apologize.”

“Wha-” Lapis sputters. “I don’t understand. What are you apologizing for?”

“Um…” Peridot pauses. “I don’t really know. Nothing in particular, I guess. Just...everything.”

“And what exactly do you mean by ‘everything’?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know  _ exactly  _ what, but I know that I’ve done  _ something _ wrong. Probably a  _ lot _ of things, actually. Like...um...giving you a smaller-than-average lake after you had spent months at the bottom of the ocean as a fusion? That’s probably one of them. I had a list, but I think I left it in Steven’s bathroom. And it probably doesn’t have all of the things I’ve done wrong, but I can still go get it if you want.”

Lapis somehow chokes on the air, which doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever, especially considering the fact that she doesn’t have any lungs and doesn’t need to breathe in the first place. “Wh-what?” she sputters. A sinking feeling of dread is starting to grow in her stomach. “You made a list of everything you think you’ve done wrong?”

“Yeah. I have exactly 116 items on there. I...I never realized how terribly I must have been inconveniencing you until after you left and I…” Peridot trails off when she notices the look on Lapis’ face.

“Peridot!” Lapis yelps, which causes Peridot to flinch away from her, which causes Lapis to get even more angry at herself. “No, no, no,” she says quickly, reaching out to touch Peridot’s arm gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just...you...you have nothing to apologize for.”

“Yes I do! Did you not hear anything I just said? You’re making this much more difficult than it-” Peridot cuts herself off and clamps her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry,” she says hurriedly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You didn’t do anythi-”

“Stop saying that! Where is this coming from? I’m not mad at you! I have never been mad at you!”

“You...you were, though,” Peridot tells her, and something about the genuinely confused way she says this makes Lapis feel sick to her stomach. “You were mad at me a lot.”

“I…” Lapis begins. “No, I wasn’t...I mean, I just...I- I didn’t mean…”

_ “There are many things I  _ should _ say, but they would upset you. So in general, I...don’t say those things.” _

_ And then I just  _ yelled _ at her. I did that  _ all the time _. She’s...she’s  _ scared  _ of me. And she still thinks that I didn’t do anything wrong. _

“Oh my God,” Lapis murmurs, pulling Peridot onto her lap. She definitely notices the way Peridot tenses up upon the sudden physical contact, and the way she seems so hesitant to relax in Lapis’ arms. “Oh my  _ God _ . No, Peri, I...I  _ did _ do something wrong. I need you to understand that, okay? I need you to know that that was  _ not _ okay for me to do. None of it was. I shouldn’t have left you, I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like I did sometimes...”

“But...I deserved it,” Peridot argues, again sounding confused. “And you...you don’t even hurt me. You’ve always been  _ too  _ nice to me. Everyone has.”

“What did they  _ do _ to you on Homeworld?”

Peridot tenses up again and squirms out of Lapis’ arms. “What does that have to do with anything?” she snaps.

“I’m sorry,” Lapis says, gently taking Peridot’s hands in hers. “Listen to me. I get mad at a lot of people who don’t deserve it. I never realized I was hurting you. I was never  _ really _ mad at you, I just took my anger out on you. And that was  _ not  _ okay for me to do. None of it was your fault. None of it was ever your fault. I love you. I never should have treated you that way. I guess...I guess I don’t really know how to do that.”

“How to do what?”

“Love people.”

“Well, neither do I. But...I love you too.” Peridot stares at the ground, her face flushed a dark shade of green.

Lapis smiles sadly. “I don’t deserve you, Peri-berry.”

“Lapis?” Peridot says, after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah?”

“Did I just make you really mad at yourself?”

“ _ You _ didn’t make me mad at myself. You just made me realize that I took you for granted and hurt you in the process, so I should be mad at myself.”

“No you shouldn’t,” Peridot says, hesitantly climbing back onto Lapis’ lap, which is surprising but not unwelcome. “You...even if what you did  _ was _ wrong—”

“Which it  _ was _ —”

“Right. Even so, you didn’t do it on purpose. A lot of bad things happened to you. It makes sense that you’re mad. But please don’t be mad at  _ yourself _ . I loved living with you, even if you got mad at me sometimes. I loved making meep morps and watching CPH with you.”

“I loved that, too,” Lapis breathes. “We can still do that. That part can still stay. We just...we need to change a few things this time.”

“Okay. You’re not allowed to hate yourself.”

“And I’m not allowed to yell at you.”

“And...and we are obligated to cuddle each other for at least ten minutes every day,” Peridot suggests shyly, resting her head on Lapis’ shoulder and accidentally poking her in the face with her visor.

Lapis snorts and takes Peridot’s visor off. “Okay, you dork. I’ll cuddle you more. And...you’re not allowed to keep things from me. You have to tell me everything.”

“And...and we have to both get better at the whole ‘loving people’ thing.”

“And...I think we should also get better at the whole ‘loving ourselves’ thing.”

“Okay,” Peridot agrees. “We should write all of that down so we don’t forget.”

“We will. Just...not now. I wanna get in our cuddling quota for the day first.”


End file.
